Limited Freedom

Freedom...

Can mean so many things.

Holidays are hereeee. :) The odd thing about this time's holidays is that it crept up slowly upon me and lunged upon me when I least expected it. The liberation from Hamlet, King Lear and Malaysian studies came as a huge relief but one that falls short of joy. This freedom from classes and college is one that is sudden, almost uninviting at first, but finally received with much gratitude because as much as I love free periods, I'm reminded that I don't thoroughly enjoy most of my classes and hasten the passing of them.

"My holidays just started. I WANT TO SLEEP."

This perhaps just reinforces the fact that SOME PEOPLE drill in my head all the time "You very aunty ar." but who cares? Sleep is essential to animals. I still find it hard to accept - it's November already?! Nevertheless, I'm glad that the holidays are here because I can finally sleep peacefully without worrying about my coursework any more. I will never touch another Shakespearean play every again (lest I major in English Lit). He's brilliant and all but he has brought far too much stress and far too many sleepless nights upon me.

That is the question -

You know you've made it BIG when 400 years later, a line from your play is used as a t-shirt design.

Then there's freedom such as finally passing your driving test. On the fourth attempt. The fact that I'll never seeing another bukit and my driving instructor every again made me almost dissolve into tears and out of relief. Then comes the freedom of actually driving around on your own. I drove alone to Jusco today and successfully reverse parked all on my own! Fine, I chose 3 lots with no cars in it so that I can reverse without the fear of crashing into a car but it's a start to awesome reverse parking skills. I still have to work on driving close enough to the ticket machine to feed my parking ticket into it with ease. Either that or I've to live with it for the rest of my life simply because my arms are too short.

Shopping alone has proved to be a great joy (though I would choose to do it in the company of my sis if I had the choice)! I could go into any store I want, for as long as I like and choose the size of my clothes without having to feel paiseh as I do when I go with my friends. :P A clown was hanging around Jusco entertaining kids with balloons. School holidays seem like a thing of such a long time ago... As I heard the echoes of the kids' laughter while choosing hair rubber bands, somehow the idea of clowns being happy people who spread joy and laughter made me feel a tinge of sadness. Beneath the white face paint, red nose, and ugly wig attached to a hat lies someone who hurts and cries just as everyone of us do.

While I was walking around on my own, it struck me more strongly than ever that I am old enough to be independent, have babies and have to learn how to survive on my own. It's wonderful to be able to go shopping on my own, drive my own car, go out with high school friends till relatively late at night, go to Penang without any adult supervision and the list goes on and on. This freedom, although seemingly exciting at first, turns out to be extremely scary and needs to be treated with serious caution. I can screw up my whole life just by driving a bit too aggressively, spending a bit too much time out of home, letting my procrastination carry on and on... I suddenly find myself inching away from this freedom that I've been anticipating for a long time. I don't like it as much as I had thought I would. The thought of having someone control my life seems inviting. You can have it. If my life screws up, it's not my fault! I won't need to worry. I won't need to fear.

Freedom restricts. It's weird.