feels like a nightmare. it still haunts me at the thought of it. i take all that comes after. being nice to me is like stabbing me in the heart. so don't. saying i tried my best is definitely one of the worst excuses of the time. so don't either. i know what i am capable of and my best, call me proud or call me boastful but my best is definitely not this. and the hand that laid on my shoulder, the hand felt like hot iron burning through my skin. the words they said felt like needles pricking on my heart. i see, i hear and i feel the disappointment. despite how they say it's alright, i know it's not. i bring shame to them more than i do to myself. i try to sleep but there is a throbbing pain in my head that hammers again the skull. i remember someone said that if one does not have the qualifications, then he does not have the right to pursue his own dreams. that line, like an echo, races through my mind again and again. how true of that.
the least expected often barge into your life like a lightning strike. a contact of what? 2, 3 seconds? and the aftershock is hard to recover from. i heard what had become true today as a joke few weeks before. the joke being that the confidence i showed was merely because i thought i was right when i was not. turns out that the joke that i had laughed at became something i am crying over. what a joke it was. i thought of death. and i thought of hiding away. but where i do not know. my friend tells me to face the facts. i know, why would i not? i would definitely say the same thing to someone like me. but somehow i couldn't do it. they still talk to me like nothing happened. they still text me like everything's alright. i can't look them in the face and here, i apologize to everyone for everything.
a very simple conversation or a simple gesture of goodwill now becomes the most painful thing ever. i can't get myself over with this and this definitely feels like the end of the world to me. until i feel better again, don't comfort me.
