today

feels like a nightmare. it still haunts me at the thought of it. i take all that comes after. being nice to me is like stabbing me in the heart. so don't. saying i tried my best is definitely one of the worst excuses of the time. so don't either. i know what i am capable of and my best, call me proud or call me boastful but my best is definitely not this. and the hand that laid on my shoulder, the hand felt like hot iron burning through my skin. the words they said felt like needles pricking on my heart. i see, i hear and i feel the disappointment. despite how they say it's alright, i know it's not. i bring shame to them more than i do to myself. i try to sleep but there is a throbbing pain in my head that hammers again the skull. i remember someone said that if one does not have the qualifications, then he does not have the right to pursue his own dreams. that line, like an echo, races through my mind again and again. how true of that.

the least expected often barge into your life like a lightning strike. a contact of what? 2, 3 seconds? and the aftershock is hard to recover from. i heard what had become true today as a joke few weeks before. the joke being that the confidence i showed was merely because i thought i was right when i was not. turns out that the joke that i had laughed at became something i am crying over. what a joke it was. i thought of death. and i thought of hiding away. but where i do not know. my friend tells me to face the facts. i know, why would i not? i would definitely say the same thing to someone like me. but somehow i couldn't do it. they still talk to me like nothing happened. they still text me like everything's alright. i can't look them in the face and here, i apologize to everyone for everything.

a very simple conversation or a simple gesture of goodwill now becomes the most painful thing ever. i can't get myself over with this and this definitely feels like the end of the world to me. until i feel better again, don't comfort me.

Hahas, lols and bais.

and it is on days like these - boring days when the little boxes next to the people i want to talk to ain't green and i get to entertain myself by strumming endlessly on the same guitar chords for hours or replaying a video of me lip syncing on ipod and laugh blankly- that i come to realize i don't have that many friends as i might seem to have(which sounds pretty impossible if according to the number of friends i have on social websites). oh wait. a second look at the contact list and then there's this one friend that i have not been talking to for how long again? i clicked and the conversation window with the once familiar background comes in sight. i run my fingers across the 26 keys and i didn't know which one to start with. i hesitated and closed the window. what is there to talk about after asking howdoyoudo and finethankyou? haha, lol and bai? i suck at conversations and coming up with topics to brag on without preparation. in other words, i suck at maintaining friendship, relationships and blablablacksheeps wtfiknow. the only people i go out with nowadays are the few people that are ultimately close to me. either they had been there with me since primary school or they had bathed with me together or wrestled me on the floor or slept with me in my bedroom or many other little things that still puts a smile to my face whenever i think of them. it's not that [ somerandomyou ] can't make me smile but somehow i had built walls around me since the last relationship. after all, you only get hurt from the people closest to you, no? anyway, i digressed.

despite me telling myself all these and to perhaps, stop shutting myself in, i still can't guarantee you that you won't get haha, lol and bai from me the next time. at least, i promise i'd make myself sound a little more enthusiastic which after all, you can't see my face and i can't see yours either, so. =)

also, a video that i find pretty amusing. look at the boy's mouth from 0:49, he's like restraining himself from laughing. lol.

oh. and 0:38 is also epic. hahaha.